Better or worse?
Everything is getting better, but everything is also getting worse. Last week I had my review appointment at counselling, they’re really impressed with me, I’ve only been there 5 months and I’m almost “recovered” I should be discharged at Christmas. The only problem is, they don’t know all the bad stuff I’ve done, I think I might be relapsing… In the last month or so I haven’t eaten all my lunch, I put things up my sleeves, then when I eat my apple and put my apple core in the bin I put everything else in as well… When I had my sickness bug, I made myself sick twice and used it as an excuse, I don’t even know why. And then with dinner I “drop” things, and then I can’t eat them.
Chloe thinks I should tell counselling, but I don’t want to have to stay any longer, and everyone is so proud of me, I don’t want them to hear the truth and see that I’m not doing well, and I’m not even trying. They’d be so pissed off that I’ve done so much lying and sneaking around behind their backs.
I promised Ashley I wouldn’t cut until my other marks were healed but I have, I cut my hips. I was disgusted at my sight in the mirror so I needed a way to punish myself and make things better, cutting was the only way, I took a pencil sharpener apart and used it, a technique I learnt off fat barbie doll bitch. Ashley doesn’t know because I’m not an idiot, I don’t want to upset her again.
On a happier note, Niamh’s doing a lot better, I threatened to tell a teacher and she got scared to tried to act normal, cruel of me, I know. But it worked. Worked a lot better than everything else I have tried…